


Bambam's Secrets

by rosetintmyworld



Series: Secrets Best Kept [3]
Category: GOT7
Genre: M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2019-01-18 02:52:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12379377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosetintmyworld/pseuds/rosetintmyworld
Summary: Bambam's side of the story





	1. The First Time

I stopped at the door to the office and wrung my hands a couple of times. The receptionist had told me to just go on in. I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. I heard a faint ‘come in’ and I rolled my shoulders back and pushed the door open. 

I was going to be brave. 

I could do this for Jinyoung.

“Oh, Bambam! Nice to see you. This is a surprise.” He said and I clenched my teeth. 

“I- You-Stop hurting Jinyoung.” I said and he looked at me for a moment before he stood. He didn’t make a move to come toward me. 

“What do you mean? Have I done anything to hurt Jinyoung? What is he saying?” He asked and I bit my lips.

“Yugyeom sa- There are bruises on him. He- You have to stop hitting him. I know that he back talks a lot, but he doesn’t really mean it and-” I began and he held up his hand. I stopped speaking immediately and he tilted his head. 

I had learned well from the past, I wouldn’t disobey a direct order from JYP again, not after the first time, when he’d told me to take off my shirt and I hadn’t listened.

“You’re very obedient. Your hyung could learn a thing or two.” He said and came around to sit on his desk. I just looked at him. 

“Come here, bam-ah.” He said and I swallowed before shuffling over to him. I dropped my head. He grabbed my chin and lifted my head. 

“What would you be willing to do to keep your hyung safe?” He asked and I looked into his eyes. His face seemed to be too close to my own. 

I took a deep breath. I could see as his eyes roamed my face. I bit my bottom lip and he smiled a little. 

“What would a little slut like you have, that I would want?” he asked, his hand falling from my face to my shoulder. His hands trailed over my biceps and squeezed. 

“Do you want to help your hyung? Huh? What will you give me?” He asked. My hands began to shake.

“If you promise not to hurt Jinyoung anymore- I’ll- I’ll do it.” I whispered. I could feel my eyes tearing up.

I had to be brave.

“You have my word.” He whispered as he pressed his lips underneath my ear. His hands slid into the back of my pants. 

“What- how do you want me?” I asked awkwardly. He ran a hand through my hair. 

“That’s what I like to hear. Come here.” He said and I followed him back around to his chair. He sat in it and unbuttoned his pants. He motioned me over and pointed to his lap. I looked at him for a moment. He grabbed my arm and pulled me until I was lying over his lap. He reached under me to unbutton my pants before pulling them off. I closed my eyes as his fingers entered me. I pushed my fist into my mouth and willed myself not to cry. I had never done anything like this before. I breathed out harshly and there was no other sound in the room, beside our breathing and the creaking off the chair. He suddenly pushed me off of his lap before sitting me upright in his lap.

“So good, you’re so good.” He said and pushed into me. I grunted and gripped the plush handles of the desk chair. He continued to push in and out of me and I tried to block him out. He stood, pushing me over his desk and I screamed out at the change in angle. It was horrible and his weight was heavy on my back.

“Please! I can’t! I can’t!” I cried out. The tears that I had been trying to hold back began to fall. I sobbed into the desk, my saliva catching in my throat.

“Yes. That’s right. Beg. Beg like the slut you are. I knew you’d be good the first time I saw you. The way you moved. Fuck! You were just a little slut waiting to be taken, waiting to be mine.” He said and I screamed again as he held onto my hips. My hand knocked a cup of pens from his desk and I drooled on the papers sitting there as I screamed out. 

“Slut, slut, slut.” He chanted as he pushed into me. I turned my head and looked at the wall filled with his accolades. All of the awards, and plaques. He suddenly pulled out of me and I felt something warm and wet on my back. I closed my eyes and gripped his desk. He ran his hand over my back soothingly and I just laid there. 

“No harm will come to your hyung. Good job.” He whispered and I nodded. He grabbed my pants from the floor and put them in my hand.

“Expect another call later this week,” he instructed before straightening his clothes. He walked from behind his desk, going to grab something off of a shelf. He was returning to business as if nothing had happened. I slowly stood and pulled my pants on. I kept my head down as I walked out of the office. The receptionist just sat there, typing away on her computer. I wondered if she heard me scream. I just pulled my jacket tightly to me and walked out of the building. I limped home, the base of my spine burning and my eyes blurred with tears. I walked up to the room and unlocked the door. The dorm was quiet and I snuck into the bathroom. I turned on the shower and stepped underneath it. I covered my mouth and sobbed as the water beat down on me. 

Yugyeom was right. Nothing that JYP did was normal. He had always seen me that way. Even when we were trainees, he had wanted us then. 

I shivered.

How could I be so stupid?

“Bammie?” I heard a soft light voice ask. I looked up toward the door. I had scrubbed my skin raw and turned off the water. I couldn’t move though. I had been sitting here for far too long. 

“Gyeomie?” I responded and I heard a sigh of relief.

“Can I come in?” He asked.

“I-I’m naked.” I whispered back. 

“I don’t care.” He responded. 

“I don’t- please don’t come in.” I said. 

“Oh.” He said quietly. I bit my lip and laid my head on my knees as I stared at the door. 

“Do you need anything?” He asked. I looked down at my wet feet and wriggled my toes for a second.

“Could you bring me something to wear.” I asked quietly. My voice was hoarse, my throat scratchy. 

“Okay.” He replied and I heard as he walked away. He returned moments later and knocked again. I still sat there. 

“Your clothes are out here.” He said. I didn’t answer. I waited until he walked away before getting out of the tub. I grabbed the clothes quickly and shut the door back. I shook out the clothes to see that they were strictly Yugyeom’s clothes. I smiled a little as I pulled them on. I admired the way they fell from my shoulder and highlighted my collarbone and chest. 

_ Slut. Slut. Slut. _

I quickly pulled the shirt back over my shoulder and left the bathroom. My old clothes were wrapped in my towel. I walked into the room and threw the towel into the closet. I turned off the lights and laid down in my bed. It was quiet for a while before the door opened. There was a weight on my bed. I didn’t move as he cuddled up behind me. 

“What are you doing?” I asked Yugyeom. He kissed at my shoulder lightly and I tried not to flinch away. I slapped at his hands.

“You don’t love me anymore.” He whined, his large arms circling me. 

I bit my lip. 

I couldn’t speak. 

He held onto me tighter. 

“You’re always mad at me and we never touch, and I don’t know what I do to make you mad all of the times. Aren’t we still best friends? Aren’t I still yours?” He asked me and I curled in tighter to myself. He followed as he always did. The base of my spine ached and he was pressed so closely to me that I couldn’t breathe. 

“Back off.” I whispered weakly, my voice leaving me. 

There were tears in my eyes. 

How could I be so stupid?

“No!” He bit out petulantly. 

“Bammie? What’s the matter?” He asked. I buried my eyes into his arm that was wrapped around me. 

“I just want to go home.” I cried, tears finally escaping.

Yugyeom pressed his lips to my ear.

I let him.


	2. My fault

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bambam gets caught with JYP. Coda to chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Semi graphic rape scene

I kept my head down as I walked home. My hands were shoved in my pockets and I had a sick mask on. I pulled my jacket tight to my body. I was shaking head to toe and I couldn’t stop. It was cold and rainy and I wanted to be anywhere but here. I wiped at the tears in my eyes as I stumbled up to our dorm.

“Bam-ah!” I heard as I opened the door. Yugyeom pulled me into a hug and I struggled against him, my breath coming out in gasps. 

“Get away from me! Why are you always touching me! You-you pervert!” I yelled at him and he backed away.

“Bammie-” He began but I just stomped to our room and closed the door. I ripped my clothes from my body. I could smell JYP’s cologne all over them. I pulled open a drawer and grabbed the first hoodie and pair of sweats I could find. They obviously belonged to Yugyeom, because I was drowning in the fabric. I dropped on my bed and pulled the blanket over my head. I huddled up in the middle of the bed. My face felt hot, and yet there were no longer tears running down my face. I closed my eyes tight as I breathed heavily.

“Bammie- Bammie, please open the door. I don’t know what I did, but I’m so sorry. I’ll do whatever you want, just talk to me.” Yugyeom begged.

“Just leave me alone.” I croaked out. I heard as Yugyeom sighed on the other side of the door. He punched the door and I startled, my heart racing in my chest.

I whispered in fear.

“I’m sorry. I just-” I could hear him sigh. I couldn't say anything to him.

“Okay, I'll go,” he whispered before he walked away from the door. I pulled my knees in closer to me, burying myself further in the blanket.

_ I sat in JYP’s lap. His hands were all over me. One was shoved down the front of my pants, while the other was curved around my stomach, pushing me back onto him. His hips were grinding up to me and my ear was damp where he was panting against it.  _

_ “So close, So close. I can’t wait to fuck you baby boy.” he whispered and I could feel the tears in my eyes. I stared down at my knees. I shuddered around a sob and he groaned. _

_ “What the fuck is going on?” I heard and my head snapped up. My breath caught in my throat as I saw Jinyoung hyung standing at the door.  _

_ Oh fuck _

_ He wasn't supposed to know. _

_ He rushed toward me. _

_ “Jinyoung hyung,” I said and he grabbed my arm, pulling me away from the man. I tried to fix myself, but it was so obvious what I was doing here.   _

_ “Are you fucking kidding me?” He hissed at me and I shook his head. I looked down, not wanting to see what I knew would be in his eyes, disgust.  _

_ “I’m sorry hyung, I’m sorry,” I said, sounding weak to my own ears. I was seconds away from hyperventilating.  _

_ “Go home Bambam,” He said. I could hear the disappointment in his voice, like he couldn’t stand to see me. Which was fine, I understood. I was dirty and disgusting, If I were him, I wouldn't be able to stand to see myself as well. _

_ Hell, I couldn't stand myself now. _

_ “I don’t- you can’t tell anyone,” I began. I thought of the other members knowing how I was, what I did. I thought of Youngjae finding out, or Yugyeom knowing that I had been with JYP. _

_ They would hate me. _

_ I couldn't have them hate me. _

_ “Go home, now,” He bit out and I nodded. I ran my hands through my hair a couple of time and fixed the button my my pants. I rushed past Jinyoung before stopping to look back at him. He was red and looked mad, JB mad. I shuddered and left the room. I looked over at the secretary. She looked bored out of her mind. _

_ I clenched my teeth.  _

_ I knocked a cup of pencils off of her desk purposely and she looked up at me. She raised her eyebrow and I stomped away. _

_ Why didn’t she stop him? She knew what was happening, why didn’t she stop him? _

_ I dropped down in the stairway, I was fully hyperventilating now. I ran my hands through my hair over and over as I tried to decide which Jinyoung I wanted her to stop. _

My eyes opened as I heard another loud thump. I sighed. Yugyeom was back at it. 

“I told you to go away!” I called but got no response. I sighed and stood from the bed. I pulled my blanket around my body.

“Gaga! Help!” I heard Mark yell. I opened my door and saw as Jackson ran towards my room. I jumped back into the frame, narrowly missing getting barreled over. 

Mark’s voice had sounded choked off and afraid. 

The door rebound off the wall as Jackson ran into Jinyoung’s room. The other members began to run into Jinyoung's room. 

I pushed myself out of the way.

Mark was scrambling, trying to get Jaebum’s forearm off of his throat. 

“Get the fuck off of him!” Jackson roared and I flinched at the noise.I took a step forward. I was never really one to jump in when our members began to fight, I wasn’t much help and I didn’t have much that I could say. I took a step back. I stayed in the shadows, like I always did.

“Tell him the truth! Tell him Jinyoung!” Mark yelled. I quickly slammed the door as I could hear him scream over and over. I was hyperventilating again. I fucked up so bad.

I held my hand over my mouth and listened to the chaos around me. I dropped to my butt and leaned against the foot of my bed. I pushed my hands against my ears and tucked my head into my knees. This was all my fault. 


	3. New Firsts?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after the end of Secrets Best Kept. Bambam just wants to be normal.

Yugyeom sat in front of me and I bit my lip, looking down at my fingers that were in my lap.

I was picking at my fingernails.

I didn't know what to say.

He was always trying to find ways to ask about what happened between me and JYP, but I had yet to give him anything from it. 

I didn’t understand his fascination with it. 

Well, that wasn’t true. 

I wouldn’t say that he had a fascination with what happened. 

He was just curious. 

I mean, it wasn’t like he had done anything of that nature before. 

Before JYP, I hadn’t either, and as much as we pretended to know anything about sex or anything like that, we were virtually clueless. so it made sense that he wanted to know. 

If it had been any other situation and he had been lost his virginity, I would want to know too. 

“Can you stop looking at me like that?” I asked him and he sighed, reaching out and grabbing my hand. 

“What am I supposed to look at you like then? You know what you just asked me?” He asked and I nodded. 

“Yes, I know what I just asked you.”

“Then, yes. I’ll do it,” He whispered, and my eyes shot up to look up at him. 

“You’ll do it? Are you sure?” I asked and he nodded.

“Was it stupid to say yes?” He asked and I sighed. 

It got quiet again.

I didn’t know what to say to him. 

I mean, this was the weirdest thing I’d ever asked him, and on one hand, it was what I always wanted, right?

“It’s a little stupid, don’t you think, I mean, we’re fr-friends, really good friends, best friends, wouldn’t this ruin it all?”I asked him and he shook his head. 

“Jinyoung hyung and Jaebum hyung are best friends too, and they’re- you know,” He whispered and I sighed. 

“You don’t want to do this, just because of what you know, what JYP did to me, right?” I asked and he shook his head, his face turning red. 

“No, it has nothing to do with him,” He pouted and I sighed. That was a lie. This had everything to do with him. 

I’d asked him to kiss me, I’d asked him to… have sex with me and it was a stupid request but I had to do something.

He just kept trying to do that thing he’d taken to doing every since I started therapy. 

I wouldn’t tell him about the things that happened, so he didn’t know anything other than what I had revealed that night. 

He doesn’t know how many times it happened, or how long it happened. 

So, to find out, he’d ask me about therapy, about what I discussed that day, how I think it affected my sex drive, if it did. 

Of course, i hadn’t even thought to touch myself since then, and I told him that. 

He of course then asked me why, as if that were any of his business, and I just wanted him to shut up.

So I told him that I wanted to try it with him, and he said yes.

It was stupid of me to say that. 

I knew I was stupid to want to do that with him, but it was a nice thought. 

What if he touched me, and everything got better, and I wasn’t scared anymore?

What if Yugyeom could fix me?

He was always so good at holding me together, why would this be any different?

I leaned forward when I realized that he wasn’t going to initiate it and he followed along slowly and surely. 

This wasn’t so bad. 

This was actually nice.

It was like floating in the ocean, being surrounded by gently lapping waves. 

It was Yugyeom after all, there was no reason to be afraid. 

I could feel heat fill my stomach that I hadn’t felt in a long time, not since before JYP touched me. 

“Good,” I whispered and he let his hands trail up my shirt.

i groaned and he made a noise in the back of his throat. 

He leaned forward, pushing me onto my back. 

I fell back against the headboard and he leaned up, taking his own shirt off. 

He leaned heavily over me, kissing me still. 

It was still like being in the ocean, but the waves were getting choppier and I was flailing a little.

“Off, take your shirt off,” He growled, pushing at the fabric until it was off and over my head. 

_ “Why?” I asked, playing with the edge of my shirt and he crossed his arms.  _

_ “Because I said so, why are you being so difficult about this? Idols take off their shirts all the time, now lose the shirt,” JYP instructed me and I bit my lip.  _

_ “I’m not- I’m not so sure about- I don’t want to take off my shirt, if that’s okay,” I whimpered and he stood up from his desk, marching over to me, his hands in fists.  _

_ “What are you doing?” I asked before I was pushed against the wall.  _

_ His body caged me in and I looked up at him. _

_ He seemed so big, so tall as he trapped me.  _

_ I was only thirteen, still small. _

_ He grabbed the bottom of my shirt, yanking it off of my body.  _

_ “When I tell you to do something, you fucking do it! I'm not going to stand here and listen to you disobey me. Do you understand?” He asked, his hands pressing my shoulders into the wall as he stood so close to me.  _

_ I nodded. _

_ “What are you going to do next time I ask you to do something?” He asked and I swallowed.  _

_ “I’ll- I’ll do what you say,” I whimpered and he smiled.  _

_ “That’s what I like to hear,” He whispered, backing away from me and I fought to keep my hands by my side. _

“Get off! Get off of me! stop it!” I yelled, my feet pushing out at heavy body in front of me. 

I was drowning, the waves were crashing over my head and pulling me under.

He shushed me. 

“Get off!” I yelled, finally pushing the body off of my body and onto the floor. 

I pulled my knees up to my chest. 

“What’s wrong? Why are you screaming?” I looked up at the door to see Youngjae standing there, behind him was Jaebum and Jinyoung.

“Stop screaming, you’re okay, you’re okay,” Jinyoung began, pushing past Jaebum and sitting on the bed beside me. 

“What’s wrong? What’s wrong?” He asked and I rested my head on my knees. 

Jinyoung hyung ran his hands over my back in soothing circles

“Nothing, nothing’s wrong,” I whispered and Jaebum cleared his throat. 

“Why’s Yugyeom on the floor?” Jaebum asked and I looked down to see that Yugyeom was indeed on the floor, cupping his crotch. 

So that’s where I kicked him. 

“What were you two doing in here?” Jaebum accused the boy.

He hoisted him up off of the floor.

“What were you trying to do to him?” Jaebum accused, shaking him and Yugyeom whined out a shaky, 'nothing’.

I shook his head. 

“It’s- It’s not what you think- he- he wasn’t the one, it’s it’s my fault- I just- I just wanted to feel normal,” I whimpered and I could feel Jinyoung’s hands stop their motion on my back. 

“Come on, get out of here,” Jaebum grabbed Yugyeom, pulling him out of the room. 

Youngjae left with them and I leaned into Jinyoung’s shoulder. 

“How- how am I supposed to get over what he did? How am I supposed to get better?” I asked and he shrugged. 

“I'm still trying to figure that out,” he whispered.

I just wanted to be normal.


	4. The end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bambam ends up on the roof

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bambam attempts suicide. There is kind of a mention to Wonpil.

I stood on the roof of my new dorm, my phone held out in front of me as I filmed the landscape around me.

It was dark out, but not as dark as it should be at this time of night. 

It was after midnight, and I was supposed to be tucked into bed. 

But I couldn’t sleep anymore. 

We had moved to Big Hit, and that should have been it. 

I was away from him, he wasn’t able to get to me anymore.

I was going to therapy for fuck’s sake, I was doing a lot to get better. I was supposed to be doing a lot better.

But I couldn’t wipe it away, that horrible feeling that no matter what, he was there, lurking, because he’d already ruined me. 

I was fucking ruined. 

I took another swig of the bottle I’d been holding.

I knew myself well enough.

I was a fucking coward. 

There was no way I could go through with this sober. 

Sober, I would be too afraid to get this close to the edge. 

I would be too afraid of how it would feel when my body hit the ground.

I’d be too afraid to die.

But, like this, lightly buzzed and getting closer and closer to drunk, it didn’t seem so scary.

It felt freeing, being able to get it all over with. 

I was so tired of those intrusive thoughts, telling me that I was weak, that I was disgusting, that I deserved everything that happened to me. Those thoughts that it was my fault, and that I was holding the rest of the boys down, that I didn’t deserve them by my side. Those thoughts told me I should just leave it all behind.

What better way to get rid of those thoughts than to get rid of myself?

After all, that was what started it all, myself. 

I shouldn‘t have led him on. 

I shouldn’t have been such a whore. 

No matter what everyone said, I knew, I knew it was my fault. 

It all was my fault. 

If- if I hadn’t acted so- if I hadn’t been walking around, flaunting myself, if I hadn’t been so fucking gay, he wouldn’t have seen me like that. He wouldn’t have looked at me and thought that I would want that, that I would-

Jinyoung would never have been put in that position. 

Like he’d said, it’d all stopped, it had all stopped until I fucked it all up.

He wouldn’t have been hurt, none of this would have happened if I hadn’t-

I wiped at my tears that were blurring the city lights, before taking another sip. 

The edge was still too high right now, I was still too sober for this to work. 

I needed to get a little more drunk. Then, I could tip myself over and it wouldn’t be so bad.

I took another wide sweep of the city.

I hadn’t decided what I was going to do with the footage yet.

Part of me wanted the others to see it, to see how pretty it was going to be, I mean, even if I was dying, it would be nice to leave something behind for the members, and if it were aesthetically pleasing, maybe it wouldn’t hurt them so much.

But another part of me was afraid of what that would mean.

What would leaving this footage behind show the world about me? 

I didn’t want them to know how weak I was, how desperate I had been at the end. 

“Okay, I’m going to sit on the edge now, I think I can do that now,” I explained to the camera, videotaping my legs going over the side of the building. 

I swayed with the wind, one hand gripping the ledge for stability, the other gripping my phone. 

I held it out, taking a sweeping shot of the city, watching the cars zoom through the streets. Everything looked so tiny so far down. 

I tensed my thighs to hold on as I reached back for the bottle of alcohol.

I took another sip, feeling it spread warmth through my chest. 

It was spring, but it was still chilly this far up. 

“Almost, I think I’m almost ready, maybe after I finish this bottle,” I spoke aloud. 

I kicked my feet back and forth, watching as my slipper dislodged, floating down. 

“Whoa,” I whispered before shaking my head even though it made me dizzier. 

I wiped at my eyes. 

“To tell the truth, I’m a little scared, I’m afraid of what this means, of what being up here means, but I’m even more afraid,” I paused, trying to collect my thoughts. 

“I’m even more afraid of what it means if I can’t go through with it. I’m afraid of waking up tomorrow morning and knowing that I was too weak to end it, that I’m going to have these stupid thoughts forever, and I’m never going to be man enough to get rid of them. I’m afraid of having this body every day, for the rest of my life, and to know that I’m never going to escape it. Why- why me?” I whimpered, wiping at the tears that refused to stop falling. 

I took another deep sip, my eyes burning before shaking the bottle. I had maybe two more sips left. 

I put the bottle down beside me and tried to take a calming breath.

“It’s kind of beautiful out here tonight, huh? Not as beautiful as thailand, but then again, maybe nothing is as beautiful as your home, you know? Maybe as humans, you’re just programmed to find home beautiful… if it could even be considered home anymore. I’ve probably lived in Korea longer than I have lived in Thailand by now.” I had switched to Thai, I shook my head, I should be speaking in hangul. I kicked my other slipper off, watching it plummet down to disappear into the chaos of the city. 

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t be stronger you guys… I’m sorry I decided to just- I’m sorry if you still had faith in me, if you still thought that I would be worth it. I’m sorry that this- people are going to see this and think that I’m weak, that I’m- I don’t know. I’m sorry for everyone who thought that I could get better, or that I’m just a copycat. I know how stupid it was to pick this way to go. We're gonna fly, I know, it’s so fucking cheesy.”

I wiped my snot on my sleeve.

The wind blew and I gripped the ledge to keep steady before laughing at myself at the way my heart raced.

“The whole point of being here is to end it, and I’m fucking scared by wind, I’m so fucking weak.” I laughed out, I took another drink from the bottle before shaking it as I realized I’d emptied it. 

“I guess that means it’s my time to go, huh? I better wrap it up. Uh so, thank you, all of you. You have made this not such a nightmare. Jinyoung hyung, this isn’t your fault, I promise, you couldn’t have done anything better, you saved me from it for so long, and it was ultimately me who went to him that night, who tried to be the hero, it’s not your fault that I’m here now. You saved us. I just- I just don’t think I’m worth saving anymore. and it was nothing you guys did, it’s me. It’s me that decided it was time to go. I’m sorry guys, I’m sorry I’m so so sorry.”

I wiped at my tears but now they were sobs and my sleeve was doing nothing to wipe them away. 

“Yugyeom… I’m- I’m going to miss you, I’m sorry, I don’t want to leave you, you’re my best friend. You tried so hard to keep me from falling apart. You did so great. You did so great. You were always so good to me. You were too good. Please don’t hate me, when you hear it- please don’t hate me. that’s all I ask. I love you so much.”

I doubled over myself with the sob and the world spun. I knocked the glass bottle off the ledge, and watched it hit the pavement with a smash.

“That’s going to be me in a couple of seconds huh? All this just ends here. I’m sorry you guys, about this, I hope I don’t fuck up the band too much. I know we always say 7 or nothing- but you’re still good with six. Six will be good for you guys,” I tucked one foot under myself, starting to stand. 

“Oh shit,” I swore as my foot almost slipped off. 

I gripped the cement with my toes as I finally pulled myself up to standing. 

“I guess this is it,” I whispered before dropping my phone onto the other side of the ledge, so that someone would find it after my death.

I wobbled, closing my eyes.

Maybe I’d open them when I finally left the ledge.

I felt arms around my waist and I was yanked backwards, the wind whooshing the wrong way as I was pulled back onto the building. 

I hit the roof hard. 

“What the fuck are you doing?!” Yugyeom yelled and I opened my eyes to see I was laying on him.

“What am I doing? What are you doing! Why’d you do that!” I yelled, slapping at his hands that were wrapped around me. 

“Why’d I save you? Don’t say stupid things! How could you- why would you do that?” 

“I want to die,” I whimpered and he began to cry, dissolving into tears. 

“Then we go together, you can’t leave me alone,” He sobbed and I wanted to slap him again, but mostly I wanted to cry in his arms.

“I don’t want you to die,” I cried and he hugged me tighter. 

“I don’t want you to die either, Bam, I can’t live without you, please don’t- please don’t do this, please.”

I wanted to tell him to let me go, to tell him that he should have let me go over, but I knew the truth. 

If I had to get drunk to do this, I didn’t want to do this. 

I didn’t want to fucking die. 

I just wanted it not to hurt so bad. 

I wanted to get better.

Was that too much to ask?


End file.
